Bette Davis with real-life husband Gary Merrill in “All About Eve.”

It’s been said that all my cultural references are dead people, which is highly unfair.  Only the good ones are dead.

This week I made a valiant effort to find pertinent quotes from contemporary funny ladies such as: Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey.  While these are highly entertaining women, their one-liners lack the bitchy wit of previous generations.

For that we must turn to the self-proclaimed tough broad herself, Bette Davis, who famously said, “The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Here are some of her other thoughts on sex, men and marriage.

“The secret of marriage is separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms.”

“An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know.”

“From the moment I was six I felt sexy.  And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.”

“Sex is God’s joke on human beings.”

“Men become much more attractive when they start looking older.  But it doesn’t do much for women, though we do have an advantage: make-up.”

“It’s a rare man who can stand being around an intelligent woman, let alone married to her.”

“I’d marry again if I found a man who has $15 million dollars, would sign over half to me and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.”

Whose wit do you admire?  Please list your favorite quote(s) in comments below.

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