Stupid Stuff Husbands Say

They turned “Kids Say the Darndest Things” and “Sh*t My Dad Says” into television programs. So why not create a sitcom based on “Stupid Stuff my Husband Says.”  Here are some samples from real life husbands (mine and others). And, no, I’m not making this up.

She: I’m going to a noon yoga class.  He: What time?

She: Why did you deliberately lock your keys in the house?  He: So I wouldn’t lose them.

She:  When you die, do you want to be cremated or buried?  He: Stuffed, and put in front of the TV.  She: How will anyone know you’re dead?

She:  Why don’t you take an aspirin for your headache? He: How will I know when it’s over?

She: It’s the middle of the night.  What are you doing outside in your underwear? He: I’m shaking the tree to make the birds stop singing.

He:  Do you think my cold will ever go away? She: I’m reasonably sure it will

She:  Are those Triscuits you’re eating in a bowl with milk? He: I thought they were a little salty.

Now don’t get me wrong, the husbands quoted here are neither stupid nor addled (one is a surgeon, for heaven’s sake.) So why do they often sound like there should be a laugh track in the background?

Some of the non-sequiturs stem from the fact that men tend to tune out their wives’ voices after a few years, going stone-cold “wife deaf” after 20.  You ask them one question, and they answer another.

She:  What time are you going to the dentist? He:  I told her I’d pick her up at noon.

In other cases, they may be so wrapped up solving problems like global climate change or nuclear proliferation, they ignore the difference between cereal and crackers.

OK, maybe not. I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Got other examples of “Stupid Stuff Husbands Says?” Email me or post them in “comments”


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By |2017-11-01T20:28:12+00:00July 24th, 2017|Uncategorized|3 Comments

About the Author:

A former marketing executive, Judi Schindler, is a past president and founding member of the Chicago Area Chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners. She is a member of the Leadership Team of Engaging Speakers and the Advisory Board of the Chicago College of Performing Arts at Roosevelt University. She’s listed in “Who’s Who in America,” “Who’s Who in American Women” and “Who’s Who in the Midwest.” Follow on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Subscribe to “The Toilet Seat Must Go Down!”


  1. Dyana Flanigan July 25, 2017 at 6:49 pm - Reply

    He: At home, calling she at the office: Have you seen my jacket?
    She: Did you look in the closet?
    He: No. Why? Is that where it is?

  2. Judi Schindler July 26, 2017 at 9:53 pm - Reply

    Roseanne Barr said that men think ovaries are homing devices. They help women find things.

  3. Tabitha July 26, 2017 at 10:22 pm - Reply

    She: Why are you walking on the wet floor with your socks on?
    He: Because I don’t want to get my feet wet

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